you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
