can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
