Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
