Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
