a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
