Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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