I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
