My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
