Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize