Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
