My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
