nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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