I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
