This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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