Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
