I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
