You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
