the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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