i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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