I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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