would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
