I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
