Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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