So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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