I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
