Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
