I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize