I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Church boner. Awkwardddd
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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