I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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