If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
