my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
There's even glitter on my cock...
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