i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
where are you?
Hypothermia
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
