shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
