On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Someone shattered a urinal.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
