a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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