I haven't been this sober since birth.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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