i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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