dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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