sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
