my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My pussy is not your playground.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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