I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
