anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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