Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize