um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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