my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
don't judge my taste in strippers
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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