You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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