I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
