I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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