She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
