I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
