Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize