I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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