Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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