I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
