hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
