i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize