i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
