Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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