i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
