He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
