Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
