i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Farmville is her only friend.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
