well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
