If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
