I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize