Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
