I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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